Tuesday, December 22, 2009

towards the light

This is not what I want to be?

Through out my personal history I have encountered many crossroads. Various purposes though all have lead to my life. “I”, would not be, if it were not for my crossroads. These were the peaks, the place or position, which I stood determining myself.

There were crossroads of questionable moments, many enthralled debates ensued.  Which route would lead me to my ultimate destination? Pros and Cons, determining factors waffled with purpose through my head. Which will lead me to the success of my future endeavors? There were moments of intensity and suspense tingling in my head.  It was a game of logic. Which type of action will bear the fruit of my sowing? Do I fertilize the soil: do I change my college major? Always so thought out precise in action. And the decision would eventually become as polished as a diamond. Clarity would be revealed.

But these crossroads don’t always follow “The Domino Effect” with its purpose, full of intensity and suspense. Many moments in the realm of crossroads, are our darkest moments. It is then the most monumental changes ensued. A typhoon of, “who am I”. At times looking in the mirror can be agony… the true ugly self, which is when desperation is at its best.

This realm of true desperation has emanated from me twice in my life. Consumed by alcohol at one point and farther down my path the beginnings of a drug addict. Some of my darkest days reflected my desperation. Curiously, short lived in time-line but the longing of dreams shattered by self, lingered through eternity. These crossroads, the moments of divergences in my life’s journey, creeped upon me in swiftness. And I knew- what had I become. I could not even glance at the mirror for my face reeked of failure. But not a moment latter a decision was absolute. There were no debates drawing me through a battle of questions. At that moment, in an instant I changed, and never looked back.

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